Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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