I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
