woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
