having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
