omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
