You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize