the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
