Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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