We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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