I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
