You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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