They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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