oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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