You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
