i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
