Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
