Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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