Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
