Just fell off a train. Bad.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Your penis caused this!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
