I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
