if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im part way to drunk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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