Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
