I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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