everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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