I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
