Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
