I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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