So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
