i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
