It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
