my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
