Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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