I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
