could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
They took my balls.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
