My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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