Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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