wanna go halves on a baby?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
