I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
