why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
