seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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