why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize