Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the night ended with taco bell and tears
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
