i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Randomize
