Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
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