Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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