After last night, I could never be a politician.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize