Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
