wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Drunk is not a location!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
