You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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