i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Farmville is her only friend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
