I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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