I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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