I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
