Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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