...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
