C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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