At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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