his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
