its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
