All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
