The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
