made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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