Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize