Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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