have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize