Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
