his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
