Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
