you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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