There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
